The last year has seen very little checking off of bucket list items, but I finally got one. I went out last week with my co-workers and we went to a sports bar where they have karaoke and I did something that I always avoid doing in these types of situations which is actually sing a song by myself.
Besides checking it off the list I had other motives for doing such a thing; I wanted to prove to myself that I don’t care what other people think. I have an incredibly hard time singing in front of people despite my fifteen years of training and musical theatre background. For some reason singing in front of an audience whilst wearing a costume ad bearing someone else’s name was so much easier than just being me. Whenever I try to sing in front of others I start to shake and my voice wavers and all my training goes out the window.
I also have anxiety which causes me to secretly worry, basically at all times, if everyone around me is looking at me and judging me. Over the years I have cultivated an outward persona of not caring what anything thinks or says, while internally struggling with thinking everyone must actually hate me because I’m the worst. So for me, standing up in front of a bunch of strangers, and new co-workers that I just really hope like me and don’t think I’m an annoying weirdo, was a way of proving to myself that, no matter how bad or embarrassing it would turn out to be, that I could do something that me feel judged, and be okay with it, and with myself afterwords.
So I hyped myself up to do it, to sing one song before I went home to future hubby. I picked You’re so Vain by Carly Simon which was a mistake ultimately but I was ready to face anything that may befall me; cracking voice, pitch problems, forgetting the words, getting lost, I was mentally prepared for it all. Which was good because I forgot how low Carly sings. Way lower than I was even remotely prepared for. But I got up there, and I sang, and it was bad, but I did it, and I actually (kind of) had fun. But the best part? When I walked out of there and got in my car, I didn’t even beat myself up. I didn’t over analyze or feel like an idiot, I just accepted that it happened and filed it away under good memory (slightly embarrassing).
Anxiety-1 shy of a billion, Me-1