Monthly Archives: March 2017

Overcoming the Fear

The last year has seen very little checking off of bucket list items, but I finally got one. I went out last week with my co-workers and we went to a sports bar where they have karaoke and I did something that I always avoid doing in these types of situations which is actually sing a song by myself.

Besides checking it off the list I had other motives for doing such a thing; I wanted to prove to myself that I don’t care what other people think. I have an incredibly hard time singing in front of people despite my fifteen years of training and musical theatre background. For some reason singing in front of an audience whilst wearing a costume ad bearing someone else’s name was so much easier than just being me. Whenever I try to sing in front of others I start to shake and my voice wavers and all my training goes out the window.

I also have anxiety which causes me to secretly worry, basically at all times, if everyone around me is looking at me and judging me. Over the years I have cultivated an outward persona of not caring what anything thinks or says, while internally struggling with thinking everyone must actually hate me because I’m the worst. So for me, standing up in front of a bunch of strangers, and new co-workers that I just really hope like me and don’t think I’m an annoying weirdo, was a way of proving to myself that, no matter how bad or embarrassing it would turn out to be, that I could do something that me feel judged, and be okay with it, and with myself afterwords.

So I hyped myself up to do it, to sing one song before I went home to future hubby. I picked You’re so Vain by Carly Simon which was a mistake ultimately but I was ready to face anything that may befall me; cracking voice, pitch problems, forgetting the words, getting lost, I was mentally prepared for it all. Which was good because I forgot how low Carly sings. Way lower than I was even remotely prepared for. But I got up there, and I sang, and it was bad, but I did it, and I actually (kind of) had fun. But the best part? When I walked out of there and got in my car, I didn’t even beat myself up. I didn’t over analyze or feel like an idiot, I just accepted that it happened and filed it away under good memory (slightly embarrassing).

Anxiety-1 shy of a billion, Me-1

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“If I don’t get a plus one invite to your wedding, I’m not coming…”

As someone who is planning a wedding you worry, a lot. You worry about guest lists and money and flowers and dresses, and fitting into dresses. You worry about the most trivial things in the entire world and yet you can’t stop worrying because it’s such an exciting thing you don’t want to mess it up. So, inevitably, when you start to worry you pull out your phone and google the things you are worried about to read articles from other people who were also worried once upon a time. Today whilst Google various things I came across an article entitled, “If I don’t get a plus one invite to your wedding I’m not coming.” Knowing that I am not the only soon to be bride in my social circle who is worrying about things like this, allow me to address it with the understanding that all the things I’m about to say are said respectfully and in kindness not maliciously or flippantly.

Money is an object…                                                                                                                           One of the points the author of the article made is that the money thing is just a lame excuse and that the cost to invite an extra is negotiable compared to all the decor that no one will remember at the wedding. Let me be the first to say that this is so incredibly false.  As it stands without even knowing how many guests we will have on the actual day, my food costs are almost over 1/5 of my budget. Plus there are wedding favors, and drinks, and dessert, and invitation costs and save the date costs and stamps and envelopes and labels because my handwriting is atrocious, etc. At the end of day each guest is probably costing us close to $30 which is not  a lot when you’re thinking about one person. But multiply that by almost 200 people PLUS another $10 for every plus one that you didn’t invite personally and things add up. On top of that weddings are expensive. I’m not even having a fancy wedding, I’m having a casual wedding with tex mex catering from the local burrito place and it’s costing an arm and a leg. So please don’t tell me that in inviting guests money is not an issue because, quite frankly, it’s not your money.

All that said we in no way see our guests as a financial burden and I am happy to spend the money on them because they are the people we love and who love us the most in the world. Which brings me to my next point…

I don’t really want strangers at my wedding…

The author of the article said that this is a crap reason too because in twenty years how many of these people will I really remember, and I won’t have much time to notice extras at the wedding anyway, on and on. While all that may be true I have been strict on this rule from the beginning. With a few exceptions here and there for the parents, my groom and I have written and rewritten and added and subtracted from our guest list more times than I can tell you because we were very intentional about who was invited. We didn’t just invite everyone we’ve ever met so they can pay attention to us for one day. Because here is the truth; If you were invited to our wedding it’s because we chose you to witness one of the most precious and intimate moments of our entire life. Reciting vows is not just a nice tradition we uphold because it’s cultural. When I stand up there and tell the love of my life why I love him and how I want to spend the rest of my entire life with him, I don’t want to share that moment with strangers. I want to share it with my family both blood and non, and quite frankly I barely want to share it with them because to me it’s more than just a big party. Which is a nice lead to my final point…

Our wedding isn’t about you…

I know that might be harsh. And I know that might be hard to understand for some people but a wedding, at the end of the day, is still a wedding without the guests. Whether we have one, or one hundred people attend our wedding it’s still going to be our wedding because weddings are about two people coming together in love to vow to spend the rest of their lives together. It’s not about the food, or the music, or the guests though we are thrilled to have you join us for that coming together because we love not just each other, but you as well.

This biggest thing that bothered me about this article is the selfishness of the statement that titles it. If you are so bothered by not getting a plus one that you won’t come to my wedding then I’m sorry and I’ll miss you but that’s your choice. It is not my job, on top of a million other things I am worrying about, to cater to you. And while I will always try my best to make everyone comfortable, at the end of the day I don’t have to compromise, you do. Because our wedding isn’t about you, it’s about us, and if that sounds selfish to you I’m sorry you feel that way, but I will be there with bells on for YOUR big day. But today is about me and the love of my life, I’m sorry if you can’t understand that. And if you really, truly, can’t bare to spend a few hours with friends (because chances are you’ll know at least one person there) and our very kind and loving families, then we’ll get coffee after we get back from Mexico and tell you all about it no hard feelings, on my end at least.

With all that being said let me say a few things in closing. I have been to A LOT of weddings and I have brought a date to exactly one of them and I have had fun at every single one. I met people, or I knew people, I danced and ate and just enjoyed watching people I love, love each other.

Finally I hope that nothing I said was taken offensively. This post was written with love and respect for every one of our wedding guests and with the understanding that this is a touchy subject. So if you receive a wedding invite and there’s no plus one and that bothers you, let’s talk about it, I’m not just going to ignore your discomfort. I love you for goodness sake or you wouldn’t be invited in the first place! Just remember that we are also trying to plan (and pay for) a million other things so let’s talk in a kind, respectful, and casual way not with bitterness or resentment.

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